Wednesday, May 17, 2017

In the Life I Have

I almost never live in the moment.

This is probably why I'm on anti-anxiety medication. I mean, if all you think about are the things that have happened in your past (and usually not the good stuff) or the things that could happen in the future (again, not usually happy thoughts)...chances are you're going to live a somewhat stressed existence.

I'm trying to get better about it, though. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of "mindful" person I'd like to be, but I have been trying to get a better grip on my current reality.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 41 next month and I'm beginning to realize that the horrible stuff I'm worried might happen almost never does and that the truly horrible stuff that has happened I never saw coming in the first place. So, what's the point?

Hey. I'm glad I thought of that. I'll have to remind myself of this epiphany at 3 AM.

One of my turning points lately is how I live my life and how I make decisions. Wait. I should back up.

I thought I'd be remarried by now.

I really did. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be alone this long. But that's what I am. And while I'm comfortable with it, there are certainly moments of loneliness that have me scrolling through or wondering, "If I were married right now what would we be doing?"

Chances are that answer involves turning off The Golden Girls. So I've remained single.

Anyway, I would say for the first...oh...let's years of widowhood, I've lived somewhat of a trapped existence; I've been caught between the past and how my husband and I lived our lives based on mutual decision-making and the future, worrying that the decisions I make would matter later to someone else.

I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to phrase it.

It's only been recently - almost 10 years into widowhood - that I've been making decisions based entirely upon my life now. And it really is such a bizarre feeling. I've had to stop myself from thinking, "Oh, Brad wouldn't like that" or "Would the future Mr. Catherine Tidd like this?"

That is the interesting thing about being unattached - making decisions that are solely your own. And, if I can be honest, I thought I'd been making pretty independent decisions for a while. But I just recently realized that I haven't. I have been trapped, completely paralyzed in my own life. Yes, I've made choices, but - and how crazy is this? - in the back of my mind I've been basing them on one of two things:

1. Someone who isn't here anymore.
2. And someone who might not even exist.

Oh, that makes me sad just to type it.