My 40s have hit me like a freight train. Actually, that’s
probably not the right analogy. That implies I’ve been flattened by my 40s,
which is the opposite of the truth. Or, if I was really going to stick with
that comparison I should say, “My 40s have hit me like a freight train, but I’m
like one of those inflatable pop-up clowns that you can’t knock down.”
But now I’m thinking about clowns.
Maybe I should start over.
I’m on the verge of turning 42 and, while I’ve never doubted
Oprah, she was right when she said years ago that your 40s are the best. Or, to
quote her more directly, that her 40s were “where I've come to know that becoming more of yourself is the only route
to authentic, lasting power.”
Abso-freaking-lutely.
The
words “boundaries” and “authenticity” have become part of my everyday vocabulary.
I’ve realized that for the first 40 years of my life, I have basically been
asking permission from others to live the way I want to, rather than seeking
that approval from myself. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, I have a
lovely front door with a cute little wreath on it that I bought for spring where you can
exit.
And
I’m happy.
Make
no mistake, though; this happiness didn’t come without struggle. In fact, I’ve
realized that it’s here because of it. I recently bought this postcard and have
it hanging in my office:
What do you REALLY want out of life?
I’ve definitely entered into a new phase. I think I realized
it one day when I was thinking to myself, “What is your one wish right now for
your life?”
My old self would have said “happiness.” My new self said
“growth.”
I’ve come to realize that happiness is fleeting…and it
should be. To wish to remain in a constant state of happiness is nonsensical
because to know that you’re happy, you have to know what it feels like to be
unhappy or at least in a valley. It’s the moments when you are forced to sit
still, evaluate, and then find a way to keep moving forward that actually serve
you best.
I’ve very much been in a “seeking” stage; I’ve been
digesting as many podcasts, books, and seminars as I can. Originally this was
an attempt to silence all of the negative stuff that’s going on in the world
(it’s a lot better to get your “news” when it comes with a good perspective,
rather than shouted at you from CNN). But now I can't do without it. I'm addicted to self-discovery.
I’m back in therapy and when I made my first appointment in
3 years, I could hardly contain my excitement. I counted the days. And I must have been meant to be because during
that break, my therapist wrote a book about boundaries that was EXACTLY what I
needed to read.
Small Things that Lead to Big Changes
When this self-discovery phase started, I noticed an
immediate shift within myself. To say that I felt better is an understatement.
Reading or listening to other people’s stories and perspectives daily – even if
was just for a few minutes while I ran the kids around or when I had my morning
tea – gave me a peace I’d never known. I truly began to understand how insecure
we all are in our own ways and how to not only overcome it, but to embrace it.
How those people who have experienced the unthinkable have things to say rather than those who either haven’t
or refuse to acknowledge it.
At the age of almost 42-years-old, I’ve discovered this well
of strength and authenticity within myself that I didn’t even know I had. And
knowing that I can dig into it at any time has made me surer of myself than
I’ve ever been.
What’s been interesting about that is that it hasn’t just
been the books or the podcasts that have changed me…it also has a lot to do with
the people I spend time with now. Without knowing it, I’ve surrounded myself
with strong women who have taught me that I no longer need to ask permission to
be myself or create the life that I didn’t even know was possible.
Now I hunger for those friendships. I feel like my radar is
on and I’m constantly seeking these strong women. I’m extremely vocal about
what I’ve learned myself about strength and vulnerability. I can immediately
see, when talking to someone about authenticity, if the lightbulb goes on. If
it does, I know there’s a possible connection there.
The Concept that Changed Everything
Another part of this new connection has been church. I didn’t
grow up in a religious family and, while my late husband was a dedicated
Presbyterian, since he’s been gone our church attendance has been spotty at
best.
But my oldest daughter wanted to go. She had some friends
who attended a church nearby and so I started going with her. And while I still
feel like I’m lagging in the faith department sometimes, I’ve truly enjoyed the
message.
It was at one service when the pastor asked the congregation,
“Do you know why trees get tall?”
That’s never something I’ve thought about, but I assumed it
had something to do with water and light.
Nope.
He explained that years ago, scientists created the ideal
growing situation for trees in a covered facility with the perfect light and
just the right amount of water. Then one day the scientists walked in and the
trees that had been growing so well were all laying down. They’d all fallen.
It turns out that what makes a tree grow tall…is wind.
Wind requires the tree to develop a strong root system that
will keep it upright. It’s that tension against the elements – that struggle –
that actually makes the tree flourish.
Now, I know that as we stand in our own windstorm it sometimes doesn’t
feel like we’re flourishing; it feels like we’re dealing with an F5
tornado. But these days I usually find myself leaning into those windstorms
rather than allowing them to knock me down.
And now I know more than ever that they’re essential to my
growth.
