I've hesitated writing this blog for about a week. My first concern is that I don't want to hurt anyone I love. The second issue has been...well...I've been processing.
Once again, just when you think you have this whole widow thing figured out, something comes along and derails you a little. After 12 years, those moments are fewer, but it still happens. And when it happens it seems to be a little more shocking because you're not expecting it.
A few weeks ago, someone gave me a bag of stuff; books to read, magazines, and some shirts they didn't want and thought maybe the kids would. In that bag, was a shirt that I had gifted to them that was my husband's.
I wasn't expecting it and the moment I saw it in the bag (where it still is - when things like this happen I get a little paralyzed) I was flooded - SERIOUSLY FLOODED - with memories.
It had been a favorite, one that was important to him and something he wore all the time. Picturing him walking out the door to work wearing it seemed like it had just happened yesterday. It was so VIVID.
And I was angry.
Actually, first I was a little hysterical - like the ugly-can't-catch-your-breath hysterical. And then I got angry.
Why had they returned it? Why hadn't they just kept it? It was so painful getting rid of it the first time and it was something I had considered carefully. I'd said good-bye once. And now I would either have to do it again, or put it in the bin of "stuff" that I still had.
It took me a few days to realize that, when I really thought it through, they probably thought they were doing the right thing. After all, it's not up to them to keep everything that was my husband's; that's an unrealistic expectation for anyone. So, as they cleared out their own clutter, they had two options:
1. Either give it back to me because it could be important to me.
2. Or give it away.
Now, this is where there really is no right answer. What if they'd given it away? Then they would have run the risk of offending me. So, what's the other option?
Give it back.
How were they to know that I'd already held it in my hands once and said good-bye and how much I didn't want to do that again?
I usually try to end these blogs with some lesson or some sort of wrap up. But I actually want to know...which would you rather?
Should someone give back something of your spouse's or is it less painful for you if they donate it without telling you?
