God, I hope this is one of those pre-grieving experiences.
If you're not familiar with pre-grief, let me tell you about it because I feel like I am an expert.
Pre-grieving is when you start getting emotional before the thing has even happened. I'm pretty used to the pre-grief process; I cry two weeks before my late husband's birthday and then I'm fine on the actual day. The anniversary of his death makes me shaky the month before, but I usually just bop through the day like there's nothing wrong.
It's weird and hard to explain to other people.
I feel like I'm in that process now. My oldest will be graduating from high school in the spring, but like any good pre-griever I'm crying a good 5 months before it's going to happen. I'm suddenly hyper-aware of how many "lasts" we're going through and how things are changing already.
This weekend she cleaned out her room (a miracle that any normal mom would be celebrating) and we talked about getting her a bigger desk.
"But maybe we shouldn't," she said as she looked at the bare corner of her room. "I only have a few months of studying here anyway."
I was thinking it, too, but I couldn't bear to say it out loud.
Now, keep in mind that it's not like I'll be alone. I still have two kids to go and another five years before it's completely quiet in my house. And I keep reminding myself that you never know what the future holds - by the time they've all gone to college, my oldest could be coming back to live at home (because what kid out of college can afford their own place these days???). And I know that just because kids grow up, that doesn't mean you ever stop being a parent.
I'm somewhat bi-polar about this whole process. One minute I'm crying about it and the next I've made peace with it (definitely in crying mode now). I've been the solo parent for 12 years and by the time my youngest is 18, I will have been doing this on my own for 17 years. So, by the time they're all off flying on their own, I'll be due a little downtime.
The problem is, I don't know if I want it.
My therapist (who I'm going to see right after I finish typing this) told me that she once had a patient who struggled for a year before her nest was empty.
"And then when it actually happened," she said, "she LOVED it."
Oh, I hope that's the case.
And the truth is, I know I would be feeling this way, widowed or not. As much as I've worked to create my own identity outside of my children, I consider myself a mom above everything else. My family is everything to me. And right now I can't bear to think about the changes to come.
If I'm being completely honest (heck. Why not?), sometimes I think it would have been just as hard if my husband was still alive. Back before I lost him, I realized we were one of those couples who had a hard time coming up with topics that didn't include the kids. So, I know this would have been a period of adjustment - just in a different way.
I have so many widow friends in the virtual community who have already gone through what I'm about to experience. And every time I've read a post over the years, I've cringed knowing that I was going to go through it, too.
It just seemed to happen so fast.
But tomorrow is another day and I might feel completely different.
Actually, there's a good chance my pre-grieving might stop today the moment they walk in the door from school arguing about who stole someone's phone charger and who gets to take the first shower.
Life is always changing.
