I think I've just gone from a "mediocre widow" to the worst widow.
Yesterday was my husband's 47th birthday. I was cranky all day and had a panic attack in the middle of the night which has made me tired and cranky today.
It's no secret that I've made some mistakes when it comes to my widowness, most of which I documented in a 300 page book. But yesterday threw me yet again.
To catch some of you up, when Brad died I did everything from suggest we put his ashes in a Bud Light bottle to installing an enormous headstone with the wrong birth date on it. Most of these little issues have made people laugh (mainly my sister), but in the moment I just felt awful.
Which brings me to yesterday.
It was a long day with several work frustrations that were magnified by my general crankiness. I did feel better when my son and I volunteered at a women's shelter and served dinner (although, I was sad that my daughters couldn't join us). I felt that was the perfect way to spend what we used to refer to as Daddy Day.
I got home and flopped on the couch and started scrolling through social media where I saw my sister-in-law had posted several pictures of Brad in remembrance of his birthday with a subject line that generally said, "I can't believe it's been 12 years."
I kind of rolled my eyes and thought to myself, "It's been thirteen years. Don't you know how long your brother's been gone?"
(Brenda - if you're reading this, I'm sorry for my attitude. If it makes you feel any better, at least you didn't have to deal with me in person all day because I was pretty much like this to everyone.)
Then, and I don't know why I did this because I was so sure I was right, I pulled up my calculator app and did the math.
Oh, for crying out loud. It's been 12 years.
I felt sick. How could I have gotten this wrong???? How could I still be making widow mistakes 13 - wait, no. Twelve - years later???? How could I have married an astronautical engineer when I can't even do basic math?????
I went to bed last night feeling even more depressed than when the day started. And I know that this feeling will go away and possibly be funny in about a week. But right now, I feel like the worst widow.
And to Brad - I'm sorry, sweetie. But you knew I couldn't add when you married me.
