I almost never live in the moment.
This is probably why I'm on anti-anxiety medication. I mean, if all you think about are the things that have happened in your past (and usually not the good stuff) or the things that could happen in the future (again, not usually happy thoughts)...chances are you're going to live a somewhat stressed existence.
I'm trying to get better about it, though. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of "mindful" person I'd like to be, but I have been trying to get a better grip on my current reality.
Maybe it's because I'm turning 41 next month and I'm beginning to realize that the horrible stuff I'm worried might happen almost never does and that the truly horrible stuff that has happened I never saw coming in the first place. So, what's the point?
Hey. I'm glad I thought of that. I'll have to remind myself of this epiphany at 3 AM.
One of my turning points lately is how I live my life and how I make decisions. Wait. I should back up.
I thought I'd be remarried by now.
I really did. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be alone this long. But that's what I am. And while I'm comfortable with it, there are certainly moments of loneliness that have me scrolling through Match.com or wondering, "If I were married right now what would we be doing?"
Chances are that answer involves turning off The Golden Girls. So I've remained single.
Anyway, I would say for the first...oh...let's say...seven years of widowhood, I've lived somewhat of a trapped existence; I've been caught between the past and how my husband and I lived our lives based on mutual decision-making and the future, worrying that the decisions I make would matter later to someone else.
I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to phrase it.
It's only been recently - almost 10 years into widowhood - that I've been making decisions based entirely upon my life now. And it really is such a bizarre feeling. I've had to stop myself from thinking, "Oh, Brad wouldn't like that" or "Would the future Mr. Catherine Tidd like this?"
That is the interesting thing about being unattached - making decisions that are solely your own. And, if I can be honest, I thought I'd been making pretty independent decisions for a while. But I just recently realized that I haven't. I have been trapped, completely paralyzed in my own life. Yes, I've made choices, but - and how crazy is this? - in the back of my mind I've been basing them on one of two things:
1. Someone who isn't here anymore.
2. And someone who might not even exist.
Oh, that makes me sad just to type it.
I have been widowed almost 6-years and really thought I would have met someone by now. I am a super young and totally cute 60. What I finally figured out is, I am not putting any work into it. I look at Match and may even "wink" at someone but I really don't care enough. What I have learned is if you really want to meet someone, you have to make the decision to work at it.
ReplyDeleteI turned 62 earlier this year. And I have a son who turns 9 in ten days. My late wife passed in November 2012. I searched and searched. Well, not that hard. I remarried in August 2015 and it turned out to be a horrible decision. As I slowly trudge towards divorce (Thanks to an uncooperative spouse) I am slowly coming to the belief that no one anywhere near my age is likely to be interested in me, mainly because of the age of my son. I've tried Christian Mingle, Ourtime and Match. Pretty much a near total waste of time, money and emotions. I would prefer to share the lives of my son and I with someone close to my age. But, the more I try, the more frustrated and discouraged I get. Where do I go from here? I have no idea.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I imagine there are many women out there who would be interested. Your post sure sounds like a good pickup line, it may just have brought you some interests once you're divorced. Lol
DeleteI'm 51 with an 8 year old son. I understand what you mean.
DeleteI also have felt that exact way having my youngest at age 42 then losing his dad 5 yrs later. Since when did children become "baggage"??? Not to mention that most of the people on dating sites are serial daters!!!
DeleteI was 40 with a 10 and 3 year old....do not sell yourselves short on being worthy of a wonderful companion with whatever family you bring to the table. Make what you have wonderful and know that whomever gets to be a part of it will be blessed by the love from you all. Keep the bar high. There are lifetimes within a lifetime. I'm 49 now with a 19 year old and a 12 year old. In a longterm committed relationship but even if I wasn't, my children are fantastic and I am too. Big Hugs!
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DeletePlease don't rule out anyone your age because of your son. If she is a good woman, she will accept your son. There are many of us out here who would. I was widowed at age 42 and am now 62. I too have a dilemna. My kids are all grown and I am men my age seem to want younger women. It's a crazy existence we lead isn't it? I have come to accept that I may be single for the rest of my life. Not what I would choose, but accept if that is what it turns out to be. I tried online dating and learned quickly how to weed out the scammers, liars and cheats. It became to much work so I gave up that avenue. I have a wonderful life. I so my best to keep it that way, husband or no husband. So.....don't give up!
DeleteI was widowed for seven years. I had an eleven-year-old son at the time of my late husband's suicide. Frankly, after that I didn't even want to *hear* the word marriage. But here I am, married again for the last 17 years. Happily so. I say my husband married a woman, a boy, a ghost and a story. So you just never know. Live an extraordinary, full and loving life. I say folks will knock down your doors to find you. Stay mindful that you get to choose. You have very special life experience and you get to choose just the right mate. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWidowed for 8 1/2 years, in a committed relationship but still not interested in marraige. Yes, he is in a relationship with a woman, a boy, a girl, a ghost and a story. That's what I come with and lucky anyone who gets to be a part of it. I also live a full and wonderful life. What you build is your life and yourself. Need to be descriminating at who gets to be a part of it for sure. :)
DeleteI really like your thoughts on this. I've been widowed almost 4 years and have 2 young children. My late husband will always be a presence in our lives and if/ when someone comes knocking down my door, he'll have to be ok with being married to a woman, 2 girls, a ghost and a story.
DeleteThis makes so much sense to me. In two weeks it will be seven years. Ignoring the 'In thought I would have dated by now' issues. Now that I remember how to breathe, decisions are based on WWRD (what would Russ do) as well as "in the future"... I seem to have forgetten what I would want.
ReplyDeleteVery appropriate as I hit the 5 year mark and my 35th wedding anniversary simultaneously. My friends wonder why I haven't met Mr. #2 yet. I tell them that Google will be my next husband because he has all the answers I need. Yet, I too am guilty of trolling the free part of every dating website hoping to find the one man that either A: doesn't remind me at all of my late husband, or B: is the spitting image and demeanor of him.
ReplyDeleteWhile trolling dating websites in the past, I was looking for one aspect of my husband....the sparkle of life, love and happiness in his eyes.
DeleteI have been widowed for 6 years and 12 days. I to thought I would be in an other wonderful relationship by now. I will be 39 in a few weeks. How can I have spent almost all of my 30's ... alone... I don't want to turn 40 alone.
ReplyDeleteBirdie at Ditching the Dog just had incredible results from ONE dose of doctor-prescribed cannabis for her extreme anxiety. -Kate
ReplyDeleteWidow for over 4 years now. The opposite occurred the moment men I knew came to know I lost my husband. I was overwhelmed w choices. Strangest thing is, they repelled me. One I was becoming close with but thought I wouldn't give the light of day since he was married. Almost 2 years past, I found joy of living alone.
ReplyDeleteI have been widowed 4 years 5 months. I am enjoying my solitude. I loved my husband, but my children are grown, I am 62 and retired, have a home I love and 2 dogs who adore me. I don't have anyone asking me for help, telling me where to go or what to do. I don't have to ask anyone's opinion of anything. I can lounge in my pjs all I want, or take a day trip somewhere fun. I have found happiness and joy. I don't want a husband #2.
ReplyDeleteMargil, I so appreciate your comment. I was widowed at age 50, with two sons ages 10 and 14. Now I'm 61, they're 21 and 25, and in all those years, I have never had any true desire to date or remarry. I always feel like the odd one out in forums like this one, since it sounds like most widows want to remarry. I've never been the least bit interested, and have wondered if that means something is wrong with me; i.e., am I some sort of freak, or maybe just a selfish, unloving person since I don't want to be married again? I really, really appreciate hearing from others who are content with being single. I know I should not feel bad for being different from others, but it really does feel good to be affirmed!
DeleteBy the way, I loved being married -- TO MY HUSBAND. I just don't think I'd ever want to be married to anyone else. He was unique, and I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to keep myself from comparing any other man to him -- and anyone else would come up short. That would not be fair to anyone involved. I still consider myself married, and feel blessed to be the wife of a most remarkable man.
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