I was nothing. And I needed to be someone.

It's funny how much things have changed over the years.

I used to love writing dating blogs because they would ALWAYS get the most discussion and traffic. So, note to you: If you're ever trying to build an audience, talk about your love life. Because people have a LOT of opinions.

But I challenge you with this one not to look at it as your typical blog about dating and relationships, even though it seems like that's what the subject is. The truth is, this blog is about ME and who I've become...and less about the men who have helped me get here.

And by "help," I mean broke me down to the point where I had to build myself back up again. However, I'm hoping that you'll see by the end of this blog that it really wasn't their fault.

Well, maybe it was a little bit.

My God. I should have NEVER started dating when I did. But I couldn't help it. I put on a brave face and told everyone I knew that it was no big deal, that I was just out to meet people and have fun.

I don't know if I was intentionally lying to them. I KNOW I was lying to myself.

Three kids at home under the age of 6, I was DESPERATE for adult interaction. But it was more than that. I'd never really been single before in my life. I ran through a string of boyfriends in high school, met my husband in college, wrapped my self-worth up in a package labeled "SECURE RELATIONSHIP," and went on my merry way.

By the time I was widowed at the age of 31, I'd never been alone.

My entire self was determined by who I was coupled with. I wasn't me - I was someone who was married to an astronautical engineer. Who was I if I didn't have that???

I was nothing. And I needed to be someone.

"Being someone" meant being in a relationship. So, for a while I bounced from one to the next, some lasting longer than others, but all making me feel like utter shit when they didn't work out. Sometimes it was my fault. Sometimes it wasn't. But every attempt left me feeling more and more broken.

Until two years ago when I'd finally had enough.

I seriously couldn't do it anymore. I was so tired. So defeated. So absolutely terrified that my worst fear was going to come true.

I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Now, we're going to fast forward a bit. I don't feel like that anymore. I really don't. I've made peace with myself, found myself, accepted myself, and, yes, sometimes hated myself. But I've become my own best company.

Every once in a while I think about getting back into dating because I don't think I've ever been in such a healthy place before. I am completely content with my life and who I am and I think, "Maybe I'm ready." So, I'll start paging through online dating sites and then...

...I'll pull up the local dog shelter. That's right. I think I'd rather just get a dog.

I've been trying to pinpoint what it is I really feel about dating. First of all, it's exhausting to think about. But if I had to choose ONE WORD that describes how I feel about dating it would be this:

USED.

I feel used up by all of those previous relationships. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have anything left to give; those guys took it all.

But here's the part that's my fault: I LET THEM.

You know that old Eleanor Roosevelt saying, "You can't make anyone feel inferior without their consent"? That's absolutely true. Because what happened at the beginning of my attempt at dating was that I let these people run all over me. I tried to make myself into the person they wanted and when it didn't work out, I thought I hadn't tried hard enough or there was something wrong with me.

All because I didn't know who "me" was.

I put myself in so many situations that I never would now, all because I didn't have a strong sense of self. Which makes sense because when you're newly widowed...how do you know who you are anyway?

And this isn't just about dating. This is true for friendships, family relationships, and work situations. When something has left me feel defeated again, I ask myself, "How did I allow that?"

It's hard to accept our own part in situations that seem so unfair. And, honestly, there are just times when we get screwed over, right?

But we have to grow from all of it, find our boundaries, and find ourselves. Because if we don't have a sense of self and stand up for who we are (judgments be damned)...

...we're the ones who have to live with the outcome.