This isn't going to be one of those really well thought-out posts. I'm just going to type as I think.
Scary, I know. You really don't want to be in my head.
I've been having kind of a hard time the last few days. I'm coming up on all of my hard dates, but there's been this voice inside of me that says, "It's been 11 years. Get over it already."
Yes. Even as we widows talk about how that's unacceptable from everyone else, I'm actually saying it to myself.
It's really ridiculous. I mean, if a friend of mine told me that she was still mourning her husband after 11 years, I would say, "Of course you are! Be kind to yourself." And yet, I'm so impatient when it comes to ME. I don't like it when I'm so raw and sad and feeling on the brink of a meltdown. I DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. So, I fight it until I can't anymore.
I had a pretty heavy therapy session today. I didn't see it coming, but it's so funny how, when you're in a safe space, just having the right person ask, "How are you?" can send you into flooding tears. I actually walked in feeling pretty good. But then the second I sat down I realized I wasn't as good as I was letting myself believe.
I told my therapist that I was fighting my grief because people wouldn't understand it - and that's partly true. It's hard to explain how one year I can get through this next month and then the next I feel like there's more gravity - like life is literally pulling me closer to the ground.
But that's only partially true. Again, I think the main problem is that I don't have the patience for it. I should be better than this. I should have my shit together by now. And many other lies I tell myself.
As always, we tried to figure out what the real problem was, what's triggering all of this. Fear came up. Sadness. And milestones.
Finally she said something that I think we ALL need to understand.
"Of course you miss him more. As time goes on, there's more to miss."
I've always thought that as time goes on, I'll get distance from the loss. But that one statement...it changed everything for me.
I miss him at every choir concert, awards ceremony, and sporting event. My daughter will be graduating next year and he will miss it. Eventually my kids will get older and maybe have their own families...and I will MISS HIM being there. As time goes on and milestones happen, there will be more to miss...because he's missing all of it and I'm missing him.
This has completely changed how I think about time and loss. It's validated something in me that I was scared to acknowledge. It's made me realize that it's okay to grieve right now just as much as I did the day I lost him. No one will ever understand the things we're missing together.
And understanding that is allowing me the freedom and forgiveness to...well...miss him.
Universally true. Thanks for sharing this. I need to share with those who love me and loved him! They feel it, too!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely universally true.
ReplyDeleteTen years out and I still get ambushed by grief.
I’m older so I was lucky that he was here through the school years, but, on the other side, being alone at my children’s weddings and enjoying my grandchildren solo is tough.
Take care of yourself.
I never thought of that either, but it rings true. I think we all tell ourselves, "you should be better by now", no matter how long it has been.
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so much for this!!
ReplyDeleteI was fortunate to have been warned about these lifelong "grief ambushes" by a friend of mine not long after I lost my husband (and my 10-year-old and 14-year-old sons lost their dad). This friend had lost her mom at a fairly young age, and so she'd missed her mom at her graduation, at her wedding, at the birth of each of her kids, etc., etc. And of course my friend's dad missed having his wife there to share in the joy as his kids went through all those life milestones.... My friend warned me that however much time healed the initial grief, there would be an element of sadness during otherwise joyful times in the future. No husband at my side for our kids' graduations, weddings, the birth of our grandkids.... I am grateful that she warned me. And I'm really, really grateful that my in-laws, my own siblings, and several dear friends have been so loving and involved in my kids' lives. It doesn't make up for my kids not having their dad, but thanks be to God, it sure helps!!
Wish I could remember the book title, but I've always felt affirmed/validated ("I'm not crazy! I'm not the only one!") by a passage from a book that a friend shared with me a few years after my husband died. The main character, if I remember right, had lost her spouse. She was telling a friend that she'd always assumed that losing someone would be like a cigarette smoker giving up cigarettes -- it would be hard as hell in the beginning, but with the passage of time, you'd miss 'em less and less. Instead, she'd discovered that losing someone wasn't at all like giving up cigarettes. Instead, it was like giving up water! The more time went by, the more you craved what you'd lost.
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