I've hesitated writing this blog for about a week. My first concern is that I don't want to hurt anyone I love. The second issue has been...well...I've been processing.
Once again, just when you think you have this whole widow thing figured out, something comes along and derails you a little. After 12 years, those moments are fewer, but it still happens. And when it happens it seems to be a little more shocking because you're not expecting it.
A few weeks ago, someone gave me a bag of stuff; books to read, magazines, and some shirts they didn't want and thought maybe the kids would. In that bag, was a shirt that I had gifted to them that was my husband's.
I wasn't expecting it and the moment I saw it in the bag (where it still is - when things like this happen I get a little paralyzed) I was flooded - SERIOUSLY FLOODED - with memories.
It had been a favorite, one that was important to him and something he wore all the time. Picturing him walking out the door to work wearing it seemed like it had just happened yesterday. It was so VIVID.
And I was angry.
Actually, first I was a little hysterical - like the ugly-can't-catch-your-breath hysterical. And then I got angry.
Why had they returned it? Why hadn't they just kept it? It was so painful getting rid of it the first time and it was something I had considered carefully. I'd said good-bye once. And now I would either have to do it again, or put it in the bin of "stuff" that I still had.
It took me a few days to realize that, when I really thought it through, they probably thought they were doing the right thing. After all, it's not up to them to keep everything that was my husband's; that's an unrealistic expectation for anyone. So, as they cleared out their own clutter, they had two options:
1. Either give it back to me because it could be important to me.
2. Or give it away.
Now, this is where there really is no right answer. What if they'd given it away? Then they would have run the risk of offending me. So, what's the other option?
Give it back.
How were they to know that I'd already held it in my hands once and said good-bye and how much I didn't want to do that again?
I usually try to end these blogs with some lesson or some sort of wrap up. But I actually want to know...which would you rather?
Should someone give back something of your spouse's or is it less painful for you if they donate it without telling you?
I would probably just keep it. If it's feasible maybe you could make a memory pillow out of it or a small blanket for a baby. I gave away all of my husband's clothes and now I wish I had kept them or at least his favorites to make a quilt and pillows. There is no right or wrong answer here. Do what your heart tells you is the right thing. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteThat’s a tough one. But I guess in the long run, I’d rather have it back.
ReplyDeleteI found that I was not attached to any of my husband’s clothes. He did have a quirk of using red bandanas as handkerchiefs, however, and using bandanas as a sweat block around his forehead when he played soccer or worked outside. This were more important so I gave one to each of my kids. My daughter wears hers as a sweat blocker around her forehead when she runs marathons and one was safely tucked inside my son’s suit pocket when he got married.
ReplyDeleteI would assume that, because your friends took the time to gift it back to you they also regarded his shirt as something precious, not to be casually tossed. Although it would have been great if they had treasured it as much as you do, the second best thing, in my opinion, was to give it back.
This is a tough one!!! I believe I would have been confused also as you were. I imagine the person had no idea how it might pull on the heart strings for you. (I’ve had to remind myself of this many times - it’s safest for me to believe that people are intentionally good otherwise I would go crazy trying to understand things.) I would hope that should this happen to me, I would want my friend to ask what I want - gently. I’m really not sure if I would want to keep or toss the item - maybe my views today are different from yesterday?! There is no one right way. Thanks for sharing. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI’d rather they not give it back but donate it instead. I know that might not occur to someone who hasn’t gone through such a painful loss - they may think they are doing a good thing by giving it back. But the pain of seeing something like that again really is excruciating. It’s hard enough to let those things go the first time. I am nearly 8 years a widow, but getting something like that back would certainly bring me to tears.
ReplyDeleteMy first impression when I read your post was, He wants you to keep it. He, meaning your husband. It made it's way home to you for some cosmic reason. It may not be clear to you right now, but you will discover the reason you received it back someday. For now, cherish that wonderful memory of him wearing it and tuck it away for a later date. You will be glad that you have it.
ReplyDeleteOk. This is a tough one. Saying goodbye once is hard enough. But that friend was probably unsure what to do, just like you said. It's a minefield. SO now what? I have a little idea. Use the shirt fabric for something. I don't know what. Make a sachet for your drawer or something like that. If you can't sew a stitch, get a friend to do it. OR... Do like Marie Kondo would tell you and be grateful for what the shirt meant, but send it off to hopefully make someone else happy. Donate it so no one can ever send it back to you. Then go to a movie with friends to distract yourself completely. Maybe we should all warn new widows that when they give stuff away to tell the recipient if they ever decide they no longer need it, to pass it along to someone else who might.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Ogudugu can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. Two days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr.Ogudugu. If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works, I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you. This is his E-mail:
ReplyDeletegreatogudugu@gmail.com
WhatsApp +2348063739701