Not Winning Today (?)

I'm going to be completely upfront: this blog might not make any sense to anyone else but me. But because writing is part of how I process things, I'm doing this for myself. So if I lose you somewhere in here, that's totally fine. I just need to work through my day.

The reason why there is a question mark in parenthesis in the title is because I've had an extremely heavy day - actually a pretty heavy week - and right now I'm feeling completely drained, weepy, nauseous, and like I just want to crawl in a hole. But I'm hoping that because of what I'm going through it's actually leading me toward the greater good.

I've always been upfront about my love of therapy, but this week I embarked on a different journey and today it brought me back to a place I wasn't expecting to visit again. A few weeks ago, I went to a workshop that focused on scientific hand analysis and energy work. I was so impressed with how I felt that day that I signed up for continuing work - at one point, during a visualization exercise I felt so euphoric that I wanted to do what I could to feel that way as much as possible.

Even though I invest in therapy, investing in myself is something I don't often do. In fact, I never do it. After I paid for the ongoing program, I actually devoted an entire therapy session to the fact that I'd spent the money on this new program. Ironically, one of the reasons why I signed up for it was to address my issues surrounding my fear of money. But that will have to wait.

I realize that scientific hand analysis sounds a lot like palm reading, but it's not. To take the verbiage from the woman who worked on mine, Jayne Sanders, it's like this:

The lines in your hands mimic the neural pathways in your brain. Consistent thought and behavior patterns not only mark your brain but also your hands. The more frequent and/or intense the thoughts and behaviors, the more defined the lines in your hands. Therefore…

Your hands contain information about your physical, emotional, and spiritual selves. Whether you are aware of them or not, your behavior patterns, challenges, personality elements, approach to work, and innate talents are shown in the lines in your hands.

There's a lot more info and if you're still with me, click here and you can read more. 

Given the fact that I feel a little out of alignment with my purpose right now, I was hoping this might help move me in a certain direction. It's too early to tell, but the process was really interesting. Some of it I knew about myself. Some of it I didn't. Some of it I think I knew, but I needed someone else to tell me. Most of all, it was interesting to know why I sometimes feel out of alignment and gain tools to regain balance. I'm really excited about working on that part.

Today I met with the woman who does the energy work, Michelle Wilson. I've been excited about this appointment, again, hoping to gain more clarity. I went in feeling optimistic and thought I had this. I mean, I spend a LOT of time in reflection, trying to be more self-aware, more conscious, so I thought I was about to be an energy superstar.

The energy work begins by seeing if there are any energy blocks - and that was the moment I realized that I'm not as far along as I thought I was. In doing muscle testing (here's a little more about that) we immediately started realizing that I had blocks that, frankly, I thought I had overcome years ago - most of it surrounding trauma and the fear of despair. Yes, I realize that most people don't want to feel despair, but until today I didn't realize that I actually fear it.

It makes sense. I still fight my grief and any other unpleasant feelings as much as I can, but I didn't realize how much that was still damaging me. After all, I literally wrote a book about grief. Am I a fraud? God, I hope not. I just think that I've probably dealt with everything on a more surface level (because I'm scared) and my body is telling me I'm not done.

I won't lie. This is a terrible feeling. But I'm also wondering what the outcome will be and what would have happened if I hadn't realized this. While I don't feel great, I also feel hopeful.

Since I now know from my hand analysis that one of my master paths is as a "successful spiritual teacher helping people through crises of meaning and radical transformation" (I cried when she said "crises of meaning"), I thought I would write about this for myself and maybe for the one person who might read it.

And for those of you who are still in the very raw stages of grief, I hope you don't read this and think, "SHIT. I'm going to still be feeling this way after 13 years?"

I can't say whether you will or you won't. All I know is that it's worth it to me to figure out who I am and how I can be my best self for me. And apparently I still have work to do.