I Lost Him Before You Did

My husband died on July 18, 2007. But that's not the day I lost him.

He was in an accident on his way to work on July 16th. Later that day he had a stroke. The next day the doctors determined his brain was swelling. And he died on the 18th.

When I saw my husband in the hospital on the 16th, I thought he would be coming home. Later that day, I thought he would come home, but paralyzed from a stroke. But when I sat with him on the 16th, before the stroke happened, we talked, we joked, I brought my bag from my car with a People magazine. Things had changed but we were together.

Later that day, he wouldn't wake up. His last words sounded like a toddler's because, unbeknownst to us, he'd already had a stroke.

I lost my husband that day.

His body followed a few days later.

For years, I mourned the 16th while others remembered the 18th. Thinking back I think I held it sacred because I felt like that was our last day together. I think there was a part of me that wanted his passing - the passing of who he was - to be mine.

As I write this, I'm thinking about others who have lost spouses and partners who know exactly what I'm talking about. You know the moment you lost them before anyone else did. It's a moment you will never forget that almost overshadows the moment they were physically gone. It could have been months before, or moments before.

But it's your moment to hold.

Mind, Body, Spirit Goals

Okay, people. I've been in a very "woo woo" phase lately. Scientific hand analysis, energy work, church, self-help books and podcasts - you name it, I've been trying it.

One of the things I've been trying to do is a gratitude journal, which isn't a new concept. And I've been really good about keeping up with it. I just honestly can't tell if it's doing anything.

Yes, I appreciate the butterfly that's outside my office window right now and the fact that my son emptied the dishwasher last night. And I do think it helps to be more mindful of these things. But I can't tell if it's making a difference when it comes to my overall outlook and how I go about my day.

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling terrible. I think I was in my pre-grief stage as the anniversary of my husband's death approached as well as our wedding anniversary. This summer has also been emotional as I prepare to send my oldest to college and all the changes that will come with it.

But one thing I noticed was that I hadn't been doing any of the usual mind/spirit stuff that have become a part of my life in the last few months. Because of our hectic schedule, I hadn't been to church and the book I was listening to - Take Control of Your Life by Mel Robbins - wasn't really feeding my soul. It was helpful, yes, but because the "coaching" she does in the book...I just kind of felt like I was being yelled at.

Until that part of my life was gone, I didn't realize how much I needed it. It really did send me into a little bit of a depression. I wasn't taking my morning walks because our summer schedule was so off. Generally...I was just kind of flailing about.

This morning I decided I was going to get back into my groove. After getting my youngest off to theater camp, I went over to the gym and listened to a podcast on the way. I got my body moving and, as is usually the case with me, my mind followed.

Anyone want to try this with me?

I've decided that I'm going to shift my gratitude journal exercise in the evening and try something different. Instead of writing down three things I'm grateful for, I'm going to write down what I've done for my mind, body, and spirit each day. It doesn't have to be major and some days I might have more time to dedicate to it than others, but I think it will help me have a mental checklist to make sure I cover these three things.

Mind

What counts for mind? Maybe reading my book for 15 minutes before going to bed, a podcast in my car, or a YouTube tutorial about something I've wanted to learn more about. Just something that gets my mind going.

Body

I am not a gym rat and there are some days when I don't feel like moving at all. So, what will count for this? Anything from a walk around the block to swimming a few laps in the pool if I'm there with the kids to a full-on workout at the gym. I will congratulate myself for any one of these things and I will check it off for the day.

Spirit

To me, something spiritual is anything that feeds your soul. It could be organized religion, meditation, or even working in the garden. We all know that "full" feeling when we feel it and it's different for everyone. Even if I only have a few minutes to ground myself - even if it's while sitting in my car in traffic - and just be mindful...that counts.

I don't blame you if you're thinking this sounds pretty "woo woo" - I can practically hear the members of my family rolling their eyes at this. But knowing how I feel when I skip these things makes me want to make the effort to do them. Some days I might have 10 minutes to do them and some days I might have the luxury of taking more time. But I think at the end of the day, if I can check them off, I'll feel a bigger sense of accomplishment.

And for that, I'll be grateful.

I've Said It Before and I'll Say It Again...

Last night I was on my walk listening to a podcast about moving forward. I know, I know - one of our favorite topics. To reiterate, it was about moving forward and not moving on, which is the phrase we really hate, right?

They interviewed a woman who had PTSD after serving on a jury that sent a man to death row. They interviewed a woman who was diagnosed with leukemia at 22. And they interviewed a widow.

The widow they interviewed did a great job - she provided lots of valuable insight that I agreed with and said what we all think: It doesn't matter how long it's been. We move forward with our late spouses not from them.

I loved how she said that when she remarried a year and a half after her husband passed, it felt like her entire social circle breathed a sigh of relief like, "Thank God that's over" - as if by remarrying that meant she was done with being a widow. I get what she's saying because I often feel like people would feel the same relief if I remarried as well.

But I haven't. And that's what I want to talk about.

It seems like every interview and most books and articles about widows end with them being in a new relationship - like that's the only way someone who has experienced loss will get their happy ending.

I feel like that implies that the rest of us are just dangling out there doing nothing and that we will never be able to wrap our lives up in a tidy little package like everyone else. "Chapter 2" implies a new relationship. So, that must mean a large percentage of us will never get past Chapter 1.

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT.

This month marks my 13th year as a widow. I have had two "serious" relationships during that time. When the second one ended, I decided there was more to my life than just looking for a relationship. It was hard figuring out how to be on my own, but let's face it - being in a relationship is hard. Being happy on your own requires a lot of adjustments, creativity, and effort but it's been my experience that it's worth it - if that's what you choose.

I am in no way judging anyone who moves into a new relationship after losing a spouse or partner, no matter the timing or the circumstances. I'm just so tired of our community only being represented by people who are remarried. Just because I haven't moved forward with someone doesn't mean I haven't moved forward. It doesn't mean I don't have a full life with meaningful relationships, doing things I love to do.

Companionship is wonderful and who knows? Maybe I'll look for it at some point. But my ability to lead a happy life has nothing to do with who occupies the passenger side of my bed.

Incidentally - that's my dog Max right now.