Friday, December 20, 2019

After Doing What's Necessary, We Move On To What's Possible





I really wish I could take credit for the title of this blog, but it actually comes from Anne Lamott's brilliant book "Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy" - which I highly recommend. Reading this quote was one of those hair-standing-up-on-your-arm moments and I couldn't wait to share it with this group.

After all, isn't this what we face on this journey?

Widowhood is a long list of necessaries - at least it has been for me. I've met other widows - more evolved widows - who seemed to have their shit together right from the beginning. While I was stuck in approval-mode, hoping to make everyone happy, other widows were saying, "No. I don't want to do that."

I didn't even know that was possible.

We all have have-tos in life, but the necessary stuff gets compounded when you're widowed. Yes, widowed or not everyone has to pay their bills and make sure the kids get to school, but then there's other stuff, too. Now, this list is just my own, so you might not think that these were necessary things, but I sure did.


  1. Feed the kids. Like, every day. For the next 25 years. By yourself.
  2. Get the kids to school. Like, every day. For the next 25 years. By yourself.
  3. Make others feel better about the thoughtless things they say so you don't find yourself completely alone.
  4. Therapy.
  5. Get the dog to the vet and try to get that stupid cone on all by yourself.
  6. Get up in the morning knowing that sleeping in will not be possible until 2030.
  7. Making time to cry in your car.
  8. Give everyone else suggestions for Christmas presents for their spouses knowing you won't get one.
  9. Kids therapy.
  10. Car maintenance. Enough said.
  11. Taxes. On everything.
  12. Decisions. About everything.
  13. Does my dog need therapy?
  14. Unclogging the vacuum.


The list of necessaries goes on and on.

But there does come a point when you get used to it - or at least most of it - and your head starts clearing. Then something else gets added to the list.

Figure out what to do next.

And that's when possibility kicks in.

I don't know if we can really grasp "possible" until the fog clears - and sometimes it's hard to see even then. It's always there, it's just sometimes hidden and nothing hides "possible" better than grief.

"Possible" includes everything from making major life decisions - like moving, switching jobs, going back to school - to little things like taking care of ourselves in a way that REALLY makes us feel taken care of (something that I don't think is possible until we get over the "necessary" part).

I remember talking to my sister a few months after Brad died and saying, "I don't know what to do next." I didn't mean it in a self-defeated way; I felt like everything was open to me and I was overwhelmed. I'd been a stay-at-home mom long enough to make my resume almost obsolete, so my options felt endless. And I had no idea what to do.

Over a decade after losing my husband and raising three kids on my own, I feel a little like I'm moving out of the necessary phase and into the possible. In a few years, my time will be my own in a way that it never has been before. My youngest told me that she was talking to a friend the other day and they were both somewhat in awe of the fact that I've raised the kids completely on my own. But it was necessary.

Now it might be time to see what's possible.






5 comments:

  1. Really good!! Early on I called it my Plan C. After my kids were grown, what was my wildest dream? Those Plan Cs got me through some really rough days!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: Emutemple@gmail.com or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.
      Website: http://emutemple.website2.me/

      Delete
  2. I want to let everyone here know that Spell casting really works. However it wouldn't have been possible for me to get my ex back without the kind support and help of LORD PADMAN,whose his Website: https://padmanspell.com/index-3.html i would like to extend my golden sincere thanks to LORD PADMAN who helped me to get my ex back. i want to thank LORD PADMAN the great spell caster who is so powerful and good in spell casting. I am highly indebted to LORD PADMAN for his help in getting my ex back. My boyfriend left me for another girl, i was so heart broken so i contacted a friend who introduced me to the great LORD PADMAN who have helped her before to get her boyfriend back so i did all he asked me to do. Surprisingly 48 hours later as he promised my boyfriend called me and asked me to forgive him we are back together living happily. Don't let anybody to deceive you spell casting works. Contact him through his website: https://padmanspell.com/index-3.html and Email: padmanlovespell@yahoo.com. (info@padmanspell.com) OR Whatsapp +19492293867 https://twitter.com/padman_dr . thank you so much sir

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had struggle relationship with my husband in the past which led to divorce with my first husband. After i and my ex husband got divorced, i had another chance to re-marry again and just 5 years of my second marriage there was another divorce which almost killed me emotionally. I stayed for another two years been unmarried and a single mother. Honestly I wasn't really happy it because every woman need a man in her life, there was a time i saw my first husbands photo and i realized how much i loved him and have missed him. I tried to get to him but i was told that he moved on with his life and we may never been together again. I wept bitterly that night thinking i have lost the man that i have had so much love for. I asked for advise on what to do and a friend of mine gave me a contact of Osasu Solution Temple, i consulted him and to his very best with his powerful spells he helped me with a Reunion Marriage Love Spell to returned my ex husband back to me, in just 9 days i had enchanter with a spiritual reunion prayers with priest Osasu everything turn around for good in my life, I am now happily living with my first husband again and sort out the divorce issues. with the help of Osasu temple, his a man of wisdom and care. Thanks and i appreciate all the help you have rendered to get my ex husband back into my life again. I testify here today that Osasu temple is powerful it can resolve all problem in a broken relationship with love once. contact him for solutions to any kind of relationship problem. Email....(drosasu25@gmail.com) You can also call him or add him on WhatsApp +2347064365391

    ReplyDelete
  4. Am very happy that Dr Ilekhojie did help me in bringing back my soulmate. Iam sue there are many women just like me who have done everything in their powers so as to win their husbands back, I have come here to tell everyone woman to look no further because right here is the answer. I totally think if there were likefive spell casters like Dr Ilekhojie, the world would have been a good place.Me and my Husband had been separated for4YEARS and I couldn’t manage life without him, I have used everything to win him back but non was working until when i read many testimonies about a spell caster called Dr Ilekhojie and how effective her work is. I immediately got in touch with her and followed the steps that she asked me to and after 4days my ex called asking for my forgiveness that he wanted nothing but having me back in his life permanently. Am happy that I found Dr Ilekhojie. Hope you will find her very useful too. Need Help? WhatsApp Dr Ilekhojie on +2348147400259 OR Email info@gethelps.online and gethelp05@gmail.com
    Website: https://gethelps.online

    ReplyDelete