I've heard this quote twice today. I believe that when the universe calls, you have to respond.
It's been a tough couple of days - you all know what it's like. And you can't explain it to anyone else unless they've been through it. It's not just tired (that's such an inadequate word). You can't stop crying and you've lost all hope that you're going to get out of whatever funk you're in and even though it's only lasted a few days, you feel like it's lasted decades.
Let's call them Widow Days, shall we? It's code for "life sucks today and nothing anyone says or does is going to make it better."
How uplifting. Bet you're glad you stumbled onto this blog, eh?
Anyway, it's been building and it's not surprising. The next 30 days are my trigger time; some years I almost float through them and some years I can't function at all. It sucks because I never know which it's going to be. I think things would be a lot easier if you could just prepare.
What set me off this year? Getting my daughter ready for college. And it's not the fact that she's going to college that had me crying uncontrollably. It's the logistics.
I called my sister, the Financial Planner, because while my daughter has been accepted to college and all money has been figured out (for the most part) I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen next. I've been lying awake at night worrying that the tuition bill would arrive and I wouldn't be prepared, so I decided the best way to get back to sleep was to tackle it.
My sister sat on the phone with me as I went through all of the paperwork the university had sent to find out what the next steps are with the funding that had been offered. Within 5 minutes, I was sobbing uncontrollably.
Now, common sense would say that I was crying over the money, right? And while that's its own separate source of stress, the reason why I was crying was actually more basic.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do car maintenance. I don't want to figure out why my sprinklers are leaking. I don't want to figure out our household budget and how I alone am going to make things happen.
I did not fucking sign up to do this alone.
This is when the widow-child in me wants to sit down on the floor, arms crossed in front of her, pout on her face and say, "NO. I don't wanna."
Of course, after I hung up with my very alarmed sister, I figured out what I was supposed to do about the college stuff within 5 minutes. Seriously. One click of a button.
Didn't matter. The damage had been done. The floodgates had opened. I spent the rest of the day fighting tears through three business calls and finally fell asleep after midnight only to have a little bit of an emotional hangover this morning.
Wait a Minute
Crap. I just realized that I wrote this whole blog and it has nothing to do with the quote I posted. Good Lord - I just can't get it together.
Okay...hmmmm...wound...light...
I felt wounded yesterday and my light was on until midnight? That can't be it.
Come on, Universe. What are you trying to tell me?
Catherine, one thing it just told me is that a too-often-quoted Bob Dylan line actually came from Rumi. (I feel better about it already.) Another is that I'm not alone in loathing all the boring paperwork and car maintenance I have to do because my late lamented isn't there to help with it. Most important, it's telling all of us: Do something tomorrow that'll lift you out of today. Dark chocolate, good music, something with your daughter, whatever small pleasure turns on some small light.
ReplyDeleteNone of us signed up to do this crap alone. But you're doing it. We are all doing it. You put into words exactly how so many of us feel so often!!! Your blog post is #spoton. Please keep sharing your story. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou’re doing a great job mama. It ain’t easy doing it all alone. The message I’m seeing is you’re healing. It’s not a destination though. We will always be healing until the day we no longer are part of this world. I agree with what Jacqueline said, do something good for yourself. And be gentle on yourself.
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