I'm not in a great headspace right now, so please forgive me if this turns into a rant. I'm having one of those toddler moments when I just want to sit down on the floor and wail.
And I've done that quite a bit the last couple of days. Not as much on the floor, but in my bed, in the car, and many times at my desk (yes, I work from home so the only coworker who is alarmed is my dog).
The last couple of months have been non-stop and I think I've finally hit my limit. Between the constant activity and my husband's death anniversary (and our wedding anniversary) coming up, my whole body feels like it's just DONE.
Last week I went with my daughter to her freshman orientation and after we got back from the airport at 1 AM, I could barely move for the next 24-hours. I've managed to rally and get moving when I need to, but my body, mind and spirit are just spent right now.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
I've spent the last week in varying stages of self-pity; those moments have been broken up by frustration and anger. And that's not like me. I'm actually a pretty naturally optimistic person (not counting this blog). But I'm just. so. tired.
This morning I was trying to look at articles for clients and I could not read them. Seriously. I had no idea what they meant. It was like they were written in a foreign language when in fact they were in English. But right now I only speak Grief.
A few weeks ago, I had someone tell me that I needed to say "no" more, that I was self-sabotaging myself by being so busy. I was already in a fragile state of mind, but that fragility quickly turned to fury.
Note to the world at large: Don't ever tell a widowed single mother that she should say "no" more. It's not helpful and just says to the widow that you have no concept of what she goes through daily.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY NO TO? Being the only parent? The only person who pays the bills? Oh, wait! I know. I should say no to getting my sprinkler system fixed and going to the grocery store. Better yet, maybe I shouldn't try to figure out how I'm going to pay for college next year and when I'm going to get my oil changed.
Sorry, World. Someone told me to say "no" so I guess that means I don't have to do anything I don't want to for the next month. I had no idea it would be so easy!
Yeah. Right.
I just had a therapy session and I actually warned my therapist in a text before I got there.
I'm not doing well, I said. I'm nauseous and I can't stop crying.
By the time I got there, I was pretty tempted to ask her if I could take a $150 nap on her couch. I just wanted my mind to stop.
I want a vacation from being a widow. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I had a dream about my husband and he was driving us somewhere.
"You need to slow down," I said.
"I know what I'm doing," he replied.
"Obviously not," I snapped alluding to the car accident that killed him.
Even my dead husband can't avoid my bad mood.
Dear, dear Catherine, I get you. I *so* get you. I want a vacation from being a widow, too. Love from The Netherlands, Mieke (who just *loved* your book)
ReplyDeleteIt’s been 9 1/2 years and I am even more enraged than I was in beginning. How can I maintain this level of stress in alllll areas of my life? I hate seeing friends with a husband and no job get a couple days of rest because their in-laws or friend or other family member gladly takes their kids off of their hands for a few days.
ReplyDeleteEffff everyone, I think! I’m sitting here struggling every day and they get a damn break?
I say NO to that crap
In other words, I understand what you’re saying
I totally get it. Coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s death and I’m still not able to function. I’ve never been good at change, and all widow’s know that every aspect of your day to day life changes. I’m 66, and feel 86. Also, in the process of selling my home and moving 2 states away to be close to my daughter. I just want to curl up in a ball and lick my wounds. I don’t want to set up another home without my husband. I want to stay in the home that we created together. Just like you, I want to throw myself in the floor and have a tantrum. To top everything, my body is covered with hives from anxiety. I’m miserable. I’m sad. I’m tired.
ReplyDeleteI can’t imagine being a widow with young children! It is plenty hard to just be widowed.
ReplyDeleteI am 11 years out and without young children and still I find myself moving through molasses. I think it is because we are having to do the work of a couple as singles. Because my children are older, I am always a solo grandparent which brings with that its own kind of weariness. And naps. Mine.
A lot is written about the sadness of losing your person, but not too much about the exhaustion of trying to be two people.
Thank you for your words. I wish I had some that would ease your burden, but I don’t. ❤️
Oh how I can relate to this ... I'm so sorry that you feel this too. I try to stay optimistic, but some days are easier than others. I am blessed to be in a relationship now and so thankful for my partner! It doesn't erase the fact that I am also a widow. A mom of children who lost their father. A daughter-in-law to people who lost their first born child. The main decision maker in our family. While I have so much to be grateful for, sometimes it's all just too effen heavy. Hope you hang in there. Sleep and recharge when you can. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh Catherine. you nail what we are feeling always. Coming up on 2 years and while I am in a stable relationship, I can't even properly focus on anything. I am still a widow, an in-law, a single parent and a single grandparent. I hate this and I have the worst insomnia and mood swings. Feel better! We have your back.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this I really needed to read that I wasn’t the only one feeling crazy today or any
ReplyDeleteOther day, you are usually too chipper for me I liked this I could relate, made me feel like the my world made sense for a minute and lifted my heart which desperately needed a lift. Thank you for ranting and spilling it was needed here!