Wednesday, May 17, 2017

In the Life I Have




I almost never live in the moment.

This is probably why I'm on anti-anxiety medication. I mean, if all you think about are the things that have happened in your past (and usually not the good stuff) or the things that could happen in the future (again, not usually happy thoughts)...chances are you're going to live a somewhat stressed existence.

I'm trying to get better about it, though. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of "mindful" person I'd like to be, but I have been trying to get a better grip on my current reality.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 41 next month and I'm beginning to realize that the horrible stuff I'm worried might happen almost never does and that the truly horrible stuff that has happened I never saw coming in the first place. So, what's the point?

Hey. I'm glad I thought of that. I'll have to remind myself of this epiphany at 3 AM.

One of my turning points lately is how I live my life and how I make decisions. Wait. I should back up.

I thought I'd be remarried by now.

I really did. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be alone this long. But that's what I am. And while I'm comfortable with it, there are certainly moments of loneliness that have me scrolling through Match.com or wondering, "If I were married right now what would we be doing?"

Chances are that answer involves turning off The Golden Girls. So I've remained single.

Anyway, I would say for the first...oh...let's say...seven years of widowhood, I've lived somewhat of a trapped existence; I've been caught between the past and how my husband and I lived our lives based on mutual decision-making and the future, worrying that the decisions I make would matter later to someone else.

I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to phrase it.

It's only been recently - almost 10 years into widowhood - that I've been making decisions based entirely upon my life now. And it really is such a bizarre feeling. I've had to stop myself from thinking, "Oh, Brad wouldn't like that" or "Would the future Mr. Catherine Tidd like this?"

That is the interesting thing about being unattached - making decisions that are solely your own. And, if I can be honest, I thought I'd been making pretty independent decisions for a while. But I just recently realized that I haven't. I have been trapped, completely paralyzed in my own life. Yes, I've made choices, but - and how crazy is this? - in the back of my mind I've been basing them on one of two things:

1. Someone who isn't here anymore.
2. And someone who might not even exist.

Oh, that makes me sad just to type it.







9 comments:

  1. I have been widowed almost 6-years and really thought I would have met someone by now. I am a super young and totally cute 60. What I finally figured out is, I am not putting any work into it. I look at Match and may even "wink" at someone but I really don't care enough. What I have learned is if you really want to meet someone, you have to make the decision to work at it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I turned 62 earlier this year. And I have a son who turns 9 in ten days. My late wife passed in November 2012. I searched and searched. Well, not that hard. I remarried in August 2015 and it turned out to be a horrible decision. As I slowly trudge towards divorce (Thanks to an uncooperative spouse) I am slowly coming to the belief that no one anywhere near my age is likely to be interested in me, mainly because of the age of my son. I've tried Christian Mingle, Ourtime and Match. Pretty much a near total waste of time, money and emotions. I would prefer to share the lives of my son and I with someone close to my age. But, the more I try, the more frustrated and discouraged I get. Where do I go from here? I have no idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, I imagine there are many women out there who would be interested. Your post sure sounds like a good pickup line, it may just have brought you some interests once you're divorced. Lol

      Delete
    2. I'm 51 with an 8 year old son. I understand what you mean.

      Delete
  3. I was widowed for seven years. I had an eleven-year-old son at the time of my late husband's suicide. Frankly, after that I didn't even want to *hear* the word marriage. But here I am, married again for the last 17 years. Happily so. I say my husband married a woman, a boy, a ghost and a story. So you just never know. Live an extraordinary, full and loving life. I say folks will knock down your doors to find you. Stay mindful that you get to choose. You have very special life experience and you get to choose just the right mate. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This makes so much sense to me. In two weeks it will be seven years. Ignoring the 'In thought I would have dated by now' issues. Now that I remember how to breathe, decisions are based on WWRD (what would Russ do) as well as "in the future"... I seem to have forgetten what I would want.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very appropriate as I hit the 5 year mark and my 35th wedding anniversary simultaneously. My friends wonder why I haven't met Mr. #2 yet. I tell them that Google will be my next husband because he has all the answers I need. Yet, I too am guilty of trolling the free part of every dating website hoping to find the one man that either A: doesn't remind me at all of my late husband, or B: is the spitting image and demeanor of him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have been widowed for 6 years and 12 days. I to thought I would be in an other wonderful relationship by now. I will be 39 in a few weeks. How can I have spent almost all of my 30's ... alone... I don't want to turn 40 alone.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Birdie at Ditching the Dog just had incredible results from ONE dose of doctor-prescribed cannabis for her extreme anxiety. -Kate

    ReplyDelete