Friday, July 6, 2018

I'm on the Verge

I'm writing this on my back porch. I'm trying to make myself feel better, so I've got a glass of wine, candle lit, a little classical music on...



See? Not too bad, right? Of course, I realized what I REALLY wanted was some nice cheese and a few crackers to go with this and I had that craving just as I was pulling out of the grocery store parking lot. So, now I have some American cheese left over from the kids and a mix of crackers in a ziploc bag that I think is from a party I gave about 5 months ago.

Let's expand that view.



That's how I roll these days.

That's because right now I'm trying to anything and everything I can to make myself feel better. And if it's Kraft singles and stale crackers...so be it.

This is such an ugly time of the year for me - and not just because I'm constantly sweaty and my hair is about twice its normal size. I'm in the middle of my month of anniversaries and this year, it's really sucking the life out of me.

Last night I was just about to fall asleep when I realized that this anniversary equals the same amount of years we were married; after this anniversary, I will be without him longer than we were husband and wife.

I couldn't catch my breath.

As I was leaving the grocery store tonight (after buying Gatorade and saltines for the THIRD sick kid), I just felt so defeated. This isn't a new feeling, but it's FRUSTRATING me more than ever this year. I can't explain to people that I feel sad, exhausted, and full of anger and adrenaline all at the same time.

There just aren't words for it, are there? I mean, Brad died 11 years ago this month and I can't think of any other way to describe it other than grief - but that's just so inadequate. It's like trying to describe childbirth to someone by saying, "It hurts."

I'm yawning constantly, but can't sleep. I'm cranky, but still expect people to be understanding. I want someone to hold me and still give me space.

SERIOUSLY. What is that??????

~

So, back to the car and the grocery store. I sat there and just felt so pent up, you know? Like I could just explode out of my car if I had the energy. And I thought, "I'm on the verge of..." and I couldn't finish the sentence.

Crying? Collapsing? Quitting? Wailing? Screaming? WHAT?????

I still don't know because I just want to do it all at once.

Grief - and especially old grief that's been with you for a long time - does more than drain your body when it comes back full force. It does more than deplete your mental resources. It's an exhaustion of the spirit - like I wish I could give my very soul a vacation. My spirit is tired. It's been through 11 years of this and knows it has a lifetime to go. It's worked so hard to keep us going, so I wish I could give it a little all-expenses paid trip to the Bahamas while we work to get over this hump and get on with life.

My therapist asked me the other day what I could do to make myself feel better, how I could do more self-care. And, yes, I need a break from work and even a little quiet time away from the kids. But honestly...I just didn't have an answer for her.

I couldn't come up with one thing that would make me feel better right now.

I know that sounds a little like depression, but it's not. Believe me - I know what depression feels like. This is like just coming to terms with the fact that the next few weeks are going to truly suck and no amount of massages, pedicures, or outings with friends will really make that go away - even if I had the time to do it.

And chances are I'm going through the really hard part right now. My grief is so weird...I feel much worse the weeks leading up to a milestone than I do the actual day.

I know I've made it through the other side when I have my feet soaking and my ass in a vibrating chair.







10 comments:

  1. I get it. ( I also get the swollen hair�� ).
    I don’t have a magic word that can make you feel better but it actually seems as though a little self-care is in order.
    Widowhood stinks.

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  2. This. This. Is me. 36 years old, 3 kids. This is where I am at. 8 years married and 8 years since he departed from earth. Died. Is my life how I thought it might be by now. Absolutely not. And is that hard? Absolutely. I want a partner. I want someone to do this life with. I need that person hear holding my hand and just “being” with me. I yes I am a roller coaster of emotion, it’s so hard. And I desperately dislike it when someone says, I understand.

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  3. You took the words right out of my heart. Tonight is the eve before my hubby died 2 years ago. Everything you're saying is me right at this moment. Losing the love of my life has taught me what matters most in life. But it is a bittersweet pill. The worst is wondering if I'll ever find love again. Praying for all you widow sisters...God bless you💙

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  4. I feel the same way. My husband passed away 7 years ago this July 18th. He's been gone 1/2 the time that we were married. I am not sure the feelings of widowhood will every go away. I feel one way one day and another way the next day. It is hard to explain how widowhood feels unless you are walking the walk. I feel blessed to be a part of this group where there is understanding.

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  5. I'm just two years into this period of 'widowhood,'and when I try to imagine what the next 20 years will look like without my 'main squeeze', as I called my fella... What can I tell you? No, I don't want to do that colonoscopy, no I think I'll skip all the other medical procedures that are promised to prolong my life. That's not the kind of self-care I need. Instead of a body pillow to hug, I got a big old teddy bear. Isn't that one of the things you miss the most, the physical touch and affection?? Along with a long list of other things...
    Thank you for this forum and all your comments, it's good to be with you on this grief journey.

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  6. I lost my husband of 18 years almost 7 weeks ago. He died in our living room with hospice. He fought for 10 years but the cancer took him away. I cant even sit in my living room. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Here I am at 42 a widow. I hate that word so much. Ot sounds evil to me. The loneliness and heartache are too much some days. I feel like the empty spot in my heart will never be filled. I miss his touch and smile ( it could light up a room) and his quick witt. I not only lost my husband but my bestfriend. I dont sleep I dont eat I feel like a shell of myself most days. I'm not sure what the future holds but I keep pushing for my 13 year old son. I hope time will help and ease the pain. God bless all of us who are still married in our hearts.

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    Replies
    1. "Still married in my heart."
      Yes! Thank you for that phrase. That is EXACTLY the way I feel. I will always be my Jim's wife.
      I'm going through a hard time now because although I've been widowed 11 years and have never had the slightest desire to remarry (because I am "still married in my heart"!), my best friend, who lost her husband quite suddenly (heart attack) 11 MONTHS ago, is now getting remarried!
      Even though I have never desired remarriage for myself, and have a mostly happy life now, and have made my peace with singleness, I find myself in an emotional turmoil with this latest development.
      All of which is why I'm very happy to find this support group at this point in time. Thank you, dear ladies, for being here and for sharing!!

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  7. I'm sorry to read that you are struggling so much, and so are the readers who've commented above. I haven't lost a spouse to death and don't have experience to compare it to except the loss of my mother 13 years ago -- a loss I can live with because there's no choice but it still hits hard from time to time. Can't even imagine how difficult it must be to lose someone you live with. My hubby has been away since the 19th of June and I've been loving my alone time and not yet looking forward to his return a week from today. How stupid this would seem if anything were to happen to him. I hate that we all lose loved ones in this life, sooner or later. It's hard. I wish you all the best at getting through this period to happier times. -Kate

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  8. I should mention that wine always makes me feel worse, not better. If I want to make myself verklempt, a second glass of wine does the trick. -Kate

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  9. I just discovered you, Catherine, and I'm so happy I did -- even though I'm sitting here crying! I discovered you last night at opentohope.com and am devouring your posts and ordering your books and just liked/followed you on Facebook! The reason I'm bawling is that I'm coming up on the 11th anniversary of my own dear sweetheart. Thank you so much for putting my own feelings into print. It really does make me feel less alone to know that there is someone out there who understands!

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