Faith May Not Be What You Think It Is

So, I'm really open you'll expand your thoughts about what faith means on this one. I realize that many could read the above quote and think I'm coming from a religious place, but this quote actually means SO MUCH MORE to me.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I did come across this quote during a class I've decided to take at church. Going to church has become extremely important to my oldest daughter and in an effort to support her, I go with her every Sunday.

And I've liked it, for the most part. I was a church-goer when Brad was alive because he was a very devout Presbyterian. After he died, I had a hard time going - not because I was angry but because I just couldn't sit still.

I've felt guilty about it because it was so important to him. So about 8 years later I tried taking the kids again. Their reluctance along with my feeling that I didn't belong eventually led to us sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

The church that my daughter started going to recently offered a class that is designed to answer questions people might have about God - whether you doubt, you want a deeper connection, or you just want to meet new people. This last year or so, I've found myself in a very "seeking" stage in my life. So, I signed up.

The first session was this morning and it was HEAVY. I didn't expect that. But now that I think about it - it makes sense. After all, if you're a doubter that probably means that something happened along the way that made you doubt - and that something could be some sort of trauma.

So, that's the backstory on this quote. I went to the class, got the workbook, came home and opened it up to this page. And while in the context of the book it's probably considered religious, that's not how I interpreted it.

FAITH as I know it

I've had a lot of questions over the years about how to "get through" widowhood and I know that everyone reading this is in their own individual space. And while I will be "getting through" widowhood for the rest of my life, I have come to have faith in the process.

Because I have faith in myself.

I will never fully understand why my husband died. But what I do understand is that that event has led me down a very meaningful and life-changing path - BECAUSE I CHOSE TO LET IT.

Since then, I am very aware of the events in my life as they're happening and recognizing in the moment that I don't fully understand the "why," but I have faith that it will make sense or come together as part of my personal puzzle. 

That's because I'm looking for it.

Years ago, when I was so plagued with anxiety I could barely leave my house, I remember my therapist asking me, "Do you understand why this is necessary?"

I immediately answered, "Yes."

That time in my life was so unbearable, but even in the moment I had faith that I needed it in some way; that some day, maybe even years later, that process was necessary.

Now, ideally, I would have rather had the self-awakening that I've had and still have my husband by my side and not be on anti-anxiety medication. But that didn't happen. The best I can do is take the situation and do something with it, whether it's on a larger scale or just being able to sit down with a friend and have a cup of coffee and understand her pain.

Making sense of it

"Making sense in reverse" is not something that just happens. It is something that takes a LOT of effort and self-reflection for each of us. But I think that's the ONE PIECE that makes the difference between unbearable grief and meaningful grief.

It's not looking back and always answering that "why" question; it's reflecting and thinking about what has happened, having a moment of peace with it, and then determining what you will do with it.

How has it changed you?

Is there a purpose behind it?

Where do you go from there?

So, while each person might take something different from this quote and define "faith" in their own way, I believe that faith is entirely about YOU. You are the faith you have in yourself. And if it helps to believe that God is assisting you, I get it. 

But on the other hand...He couldn't do it without you.