Practical Tips for Watching the Presidential Debate

Well, another debate is upon us which means that if you haven't completely given up on social media, you're in for a wild ride tonight.

I think most of us have figured out that the Presidential Debate Drinking Game is probably not the healthiest way to go. I realized that during the first debate when I woke up the next morning wearing nothing but the American flag and a cowboy hat.

Recently I saw an article from the Wall Street Journal that encouraged yoga for the debates, but I feel like that will just have us all tied up in knots - mentally and physically.

Now, let's be honest. We ALL know the issues that are going to be brought up tonight and we'll have the added discomfort of watching President Obama's half-brother sitting on the other team's side while Hillary Clinton has asked a couple of billionaires to sit in her corner (hope they're bringing their tax returns).

If you'd like to sit this one out, I completely understand. So I've decided to sum it up for you NOW so you can go to bed early. Yes, I have suddenly discovered I have political psychic powers that will anger and amaze both parties.

You're welcome.

Healthcare: 

• Trump will criticize Clinton for all of the past issues with Obamacare. All of the problems will be presented to her in no particular order but the outcome of this will be his assurance that he can defeat ISIS.
• Clinton will smile and listen to her earpiece before asking for his tax returns. 

 The Plight of the Middle Class

• Trump will relate to hardworking people everywhere by reminding them that he came from nothing but $1 million in seed money from his father and that his work ethic is what it will take to defeat ISIS.
• Clinton will remind him that it was $14 million and ask if that was documented on his tax returns.

Violence Throughout the Country:

• Trump will remind everyone that he is focused on the issues that plague inner cities while suburban moms watch and wonder if it's okay to send their kids to the neighborhood school two blocks away from home.
•  Clinton will smile vacantly while he talks and then go into her thoughts on gun control before asking for his tax returns.

Tax Loopholes:

• When asked about his tax history, Trump will finally be frustrated enough to bring up a related topic - Bill Clinton's infidelities and Hillary's complicit behavior while Bill tries to glare at him through the bags under his eyes. He will then tell everyone that his tax returns were in the emails that Clinton deleted and can't be retrieved.
•  Hillary will smile smugly as America Googles "Presidential Candidate Infidelities" and scrolls through 15 pages of sexual assault accusations directed toward Donald Trump, including one in Latin that no one understands.

Defense: 

• Trump will assure us all that he has plans in place (presumably screaming, "You're fired!" before pushing the button that will nuke everything south of Turkey) and that they are good plans. Huge.
• Clinton will amaze us all with her plan that we don't understand and we suspect was taken from an episode of Scandal where the characters talk so fast we just assume they know what they're doing. She will mention that defending the country would be a little easier if Trump would pay his taxes.

I have now saved you 90 minutes wasted, the embarrassment of finding yourself in a yoga pose you can't get out of, and a hangover.  What I cannot rescue you from is a newsfeed full of things you don't agree with even from friends who are voting for the same person you are.

For those of you who will bravely go forth and watch the debates tonight, I wish you good health and good luck.

And remember that ripping your television from the wall doesn't hurt anyone else but you and that the candidates can't actually hear you when you're screaming.